Week 6: Auto Jurgen

"........"

"Turn the microphone on fella".

The fella in question is of the older generation, trying to join a 3-way family Skype group chat.

The picture goes black.

"Can you hear me?"

'Yes but we can't see you".

The screen flashes into life.

"........"

"Can't hear you now".

"Hold on, let me press this button ...."

And repeat. And repeat. And repeat.

"I think there's something wrong with the driver".

Driver, Keyboard Warrior, User. We usually call you "Pops", but "Driver" will do.

By the time we give up on trying to get Skype working at the far-and-more-venerable-end and switch to a group WhatsApp video-call, 2/3rds of the participants are pissed.

Week 6 then.

Imagine my surprise to find that Jurgen Mopp (a mop) and Bruce the Shark (a vacuum cleaner) have an automatic setting? Turns out if you leave them in the cupboard for long enough, they magically blast round the house whilst you are sleeping. Move over Sergei, there are new Auto-kids in town.

In a strange coincidence, Gin (the Mrs) looked very hot an bothered on the particular morning in question. Must be her age.

Good news! Jurgen and Bruce have a new chum; Konrad Karcher, middle name, Pressurewasher. Having awoken from his winter hibernation, he immediately showed his excitement by blasting shit EVERYWHERE.

My goodness he is enthusiastic.

Set the task of stripping 20 years of in-grained muck from the garden path, he hammered it into submission. He also hammered the flower-bed, bushes, garage wall, the neighbours and the operator (we could call the operator "The Driver", but that would lead to more confusion. And there's been enough of that this week already).

I'm not saying Konrad is over-powered, but my once fine pair of steel toed-capped boots now look like a pair of sandals with a shiny, designer metal toe restraint.

More good news! G (for "`Girl") now has an unconditional offer from a great college to study for A Levels, the College having agreed that demonstrating an improved attendance record over her final days at school might be a tad tricky. No shit Sherlock.

Bad news! There's still too much Thinking Time. B (for "Boy") is still struggling with scary night-time images and can't sleep until exhausted. He has agreed though to attempt to get up at a fixed time of the morning regardless of what time he fell asleep. I can confirm that 3 days of 3 hours sleep ain't enough. And that's just me. Let the Zombie Apocalypse commence. Hmmm, maybe Konrad Karcher can be converted to a small-scale Water Cannon?

And with that we enter Week 7; with all of this extra Thinking Time, I expect to find answers to the following important questions:

- Why do dishwashers always leave plastics wet?

- Do glass ramekins multiply in the cupboard overnight whilst we sleep?

- Was chocolate-orange placed on this earth by Satan himself?

- Why are tights such tangly bastards?

Love & elbow-grease,

Mr H

PS Know what happens when you put stainless steel polish on a stainless steel BBQ? I do. We are having to re-do the now smoke-scented washing that was out drying as I type.