Week 44: Morph’s Code

Gin (so called because she is 90% the clear liquid and 10% human) and I are out walking Milo (the Spaniel) when a text message arrives from BT (Boy Teenager). It reads “—-.—. —.-..—-“

What?

Then another: “It’s Morph’s Code. I’ll tell you when you get back”.

Morph’s code? Well there‘s a string to the little brown, plasticine fella’s bow that I didn’t know about. Old Tony Hart would be proud of his little animated buddy; not only an entertainer, but the inventor of a method of communication where words can‘t be used. After Gin and I stop chuckling, the question forms .... why does BT need Morph’s Code? What is he up to?

We arrive home, intrigued, and immediately ask BT what it’s all about. It transpires that BT has learned a lesson from swearing at fellow, on-line competitors playing FIFA on the PlayStation network. Has he learned not to do it? No. Has he learned how to spell his favourite swear words in code and is happily spamming them at anyone that dares to be disrespectful? Yes. And the meaning of “—-.—. —.-..—-“? Can’t tell you as several changes have been made to the configuration to protect the innocent (Nana) from the decoding.

BT has been in experimental mode this week. He has taken to wearing his new aftershave every day (and asking all of us to sniff his wrist, one of the destination sites for said Sauvage). It’s very nice and great to see him taking a pride in his personal hygiene (this coming from the boy that during peak anxiety could only face cleaning his teeth once a week). As well as smelling nice, he has also become interested in new foods. Having told is that his food tastes are “black not white” (meaning he likes spice and heat), I’ve cooked him:

- Chicken Enchilladas (using an authentic recipe from the Enchillada Queen’s cookbook where all the measures are in US imperial. Not confusing at all); ”Like the flavour, but not the texture of the tortillas”.

- Goan Pork Vindalho (scaled back on the heat so that it didn’t melt our faces); “What IS that meat? Eurghhh”.

- Crab Enchilladas (because he wanted to try crab); he tasted a little of the white crab meat during the cooking process and immediately asked for some Waitrose Southern Fried Chicken Goujons and chips.

- Palestinian Spicy Pasta Bake; “The pasta is nice, but is that onion in the spicy bolognese? It is isn’t it”.

Undeterred, he is now nagging me to cook him lobster. I mean its fantastic that he has suddenly become Mr Adventurous, but can’t we start with something a bit simpler like, I don’t know, toad-in-the-hole?

It’s a wonder though that BT has been able to taste anything because the family has been afflicted by Virus. It all started with me. I felt like I had a cold coming. But then, as Gin will tell you, I always feel like I have a cold coming. For the second time this year, I decided to report my symptoms on the ZOE C-19 self reporting app. And for the second time this year, I received an e-mail saying "Good news! Despite note having any major symptoms of Covid-19, you are entitled to a free test to aid our research". Oh JOY. I tell you, if I'd reported feeling "a bit coldy" every time I have felt that way and carried out a swab-test, the septum in my nose would make Danielle Westbrook's look like the Forth Bridge. I decide to sleep on it. And while I slept in it, GT (Girl Teenager) developed the most awful sounding, booming cough. It was so loud, old Mr Pearson two doors down was seen slipping into the Andersen Shelter that he's kept at the bottom of his garden "just in case". So fearing that GT really did have it, we ordered two home test kits.

After all the bad press about testing and track n’ trace a few months ago, I must profess to being impressed with the speed and efficiency of the process. The swab packs arrived next day, we both stuck ‘em down our throats and up our hooters, bagged ‘em up and sent them off same day. And then the wait, which was just long enough to convince yourself that you did have it, and to start to worry about those that you had been in contact with in the previous week (which in our case was Aunty G and the bloke that installed Sky Q). And just as BT developed the same booming cough and Gin reported a sore throat, our test results were in, 48 hours after being popped in the post. GT’s first at 5.15pm (Negative!), followed by mine two hours later (Negative!). Which basically means we all have the same nasty cough, don‘t need to self-isolate, but can clear an aisle of shoppers in Tesco’s within 30 seconds with a single dry, booming cough. Well I say all, but Gin’s sore throat never turned into the cough. Must be the quinine in the tonic water.

And so we arrived at New Year’s Eve, Covid-free and with a cocktails Zoom chat with our local group of chums that we refer to as The Coven, starting at 8pm. Gin was all for ”breaking the seal’ at 6pm, assuring me that the Cocktails Evening would only last for 90 minutes or so, so we really wouldn’t be drinking for six hours solid. Why do I listen to her? At 00.15, we lost Aug who retired to bed ill. By 00.20, Paul had promised to take up golf and we were setting up a distillery that was somehow linked to a pet cremation service. Oh and we were all going to Lisbon for a weekend. By 00.25 Gin was completely unintelligible. Apparently the call finished at 00.45. In a normal year, that would then involve trying to walk home, with Gin falling into people’s front gardens; one of the positives of Tier 4 is that we only had to get upstairs to bed. Which we must have as that’s where we were when I woke up on New Year’s Day.

And with that we enter week 45 and 2021, and it looks like more of what went before. We knew, because Gav Williamson said so on the telly, that secondary schools would have some sort of staggered return, but Gin was still waiting to hear at tea time on Sunday whether she was due in school the next day. Chaos. Still, if the rumour is true that all schools will be closed until at least end January, Milo will have lots more toddlers and small people to chase across Farthing Downs for another month. At least he will be happy.

Love and elbow-grease,

Mr H

x

PS Pleased to report that Piggy and the Kevin (Annie) are now recovered from The Covid and back to their version of normal.